01
今天看了一篇來自“新東方家庭教育學堂”的文章，作者是主創團多多黛。文章裡面講述了一個家庭裡面二胎子女在生活上的矛盾與老大的心理訴求。在家裡，很多相似的場景正在一幕幕的發生，這讓我感想良多，現在摘抄部分經典詞句，分享出來。
花開時節
02
老大經常會有這樣的想法，“你們全都愛弟弟，不愛我。這麼喜歡弟弟，為什麼還要生我？”
我深有同感的是，“二胎家庭最委屈的是老大，二胎家庭最怕的就是父母無法公正地對待兩個孩子。”所以有時，我會經常對小地說，“你哥哥最喜歡你了，你要愛你的哥哥。有好吃的同他分享，聽哥哥的話”。我不知道這樣說對大的是否有用，但是我能理解老大的心情，儘可能讓他知道，他的父母還是重視老大的。
03
文章中提到，“長期生活在不公平的環境中，大的兒童極易情緒紊亂，產生焦慮、痛苦，會嫉妒弟弟妹妹而表現出明顯的敵意，甚至是攻擊性行為，嚴重的還會出現各種生活能力退化，突然特別依賴父母，這就是心理學上的同胞競爭障礙。”這事情確實發生過好幾次，兒子都老大不小了，陪我出去領快遞時，挽著我的手臂邊走邊說“爸比，我想坐兒童小推車，我想騎在你的脖子上”。
04
被愛是一種來自心底的強烈渴求。“老大往往會天真地以為只要他做了同樣的事情，他就能獲得父母同樣的關注和愛，而這一切都是為了引起父母的注意，呼喚父母的愛。”
05
老大內心應該經常會有這樣強烈的吶喊，“我想被愛，我想被看見”。“愛是治癒一切的良藥，比起血脈的關係，更重要的是愛的羈絆，要有手足之情，得先有愛。”這句話給了父母一記重重的提醒，給老大吃什麼，學什麼，玩什麼都比不上給他一份公平的，父母真誠的拳愛。
06
文章中作者也提出了她的觀點，建議父母從這些方面去考慮去幫助老大找回自己的愛。建議如下：“1。 全心全意愛老大。解決二胎矛盾的唯一訣竅就是全心全意毫無保留的愛老大，老大已經有了心理需求，需要更多的情感呵護；而老二，還停留在生活需求，照顧好吃喝就行了；你愛老大的樣子，最終就是老大愛老二的樣子；2。 父母放手，讓老大老二自己去相處。在二胎家庭裡，孩子間的矛盾最怕父母強行干預，強行要求老大讓老二。這些都會給老大造成一種我所有的苦難，都是因為老二出現的錯覺；3。 多賦予老大權利，樹立老大的地位；讓滿滿的愛，經由老大流向老二。”
07
質量就在我們身邊。為人父母不是給子女吃好的，穿好的，住好的，玩好的就算是盡到了應有的責任。更重要的是，站在子女的立場思考他所處的心路境界，理解他們內心的真實渴求，並且儘可能地去滿足他們，讓他們感受到不孤單，父母的心永遠和他們在一起。
ENGLISH VERSION
Today I read an article from “New Oriental Family Education School”。The article tells about the contradictions in the life of the second child children and the psychological demands of the elder brother。At home， a lot of similar scenes are taking place， which makes me feel a lot， so now I excerpt part of the classic words and sentences to share out。
Brother often thinks， “You all love my brother and don‘t love me， then why do you give birth to me？”
I deeply feel the same way is， “in the second child family， the elder brother is the most wronged。In a second child’s family， we fear most that the parents cannot treat the two children fairly。”So sometimes， I often say to the little brother， “Your brother likes you the most。 You must love your brother。 Share food with him， and listen to him ”。I don‘t know if this is going to help the older one， but I can understand the older one’s mood。I tried to let him know that his parents still valued him。
“Children who live in an unfair environment for a long time are more likely to suffer from emotional disorders， anxiety and distress，” the article said。They become jealous of their younger siblings and exhibit overt hostility and even aggressive behavior。In severe cases， they have all sorts of impairments and suddenly become very dependent on their parents。 This is psychological sibling competition disorder。“This did happen several times。When my 10+ -year-old son walked out with me to pick up a delivery， He took my arm and said， ”Dad， I want to ride in a baby stroller。 I want to ride on your neck。“
To be loved is a strong desire from the bottom of their heart。”Older brothers often naively think that if they do the same thing， they will get the same attention and love from their parents， which is all in order to get their attention and call for their love。“
They should always have this strong inner cry， ”I want to be loved， and I want to be seen。“”Love is the cure for everything。 It‘s the bond of love that’s more important than the bond of blood。Brotherly love must begin with love。“This sentence serves as a heavy reminder to parents that fair and sincere love for older brothers and sisters is the most important thing compared to food and games。
In the article， the author also puts forward her point of view。 He advises parents to consider these aspects to help elder brothers and sisters to find their own love。Suggestions： ”1。 Love them with all your heart。The only way to solve the two-child conflict is to love them wholeheartedly and without reservation。 The elder friends already have psychological needs， so they need more emotional care；The younger brother and sister need life material， which is easy to meet。The way you love your brother and sister will eventually be the way your elder brother and sister love your little brother and sister；2。 Parents let go and let siblings get along on their own。In the second child family， the conflict between the children most afraid of parents‘ forced intervention to force elder brothers and sisters take care of younger brothers and sisters in any situations。All this creates an illusion among older friends that all the suffering is due to the children；3。 Entrust big friends with more rights and establish the status of big friends；Let the love flow from the big friend to the little one。“
Quality is all around us。Being a parent is not a duty to feed， clothe， house and play with your children well。What is more important is to stand in the children’s position to think about their state of mind， understand their true inner desire， and try to meet them， so that they feel not alone， and feel parents‘ hearts are always with them。
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